Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Raphael's Breakout (sans alliteration)

Lane Hall wrote:

One of the pleasures of being your professor is making you do extra work. I assign this obstruction to you, regarding your most recent Storypool post.

Obstruction: rewrite the piece ("Raphael's Breakout") and be as consistent to diction/description/syntax as possible while avoiding any hint of alliteration.


Raphael's Breakout (sans alliteration) (original here)

Cautious wardens prevented the former sister's visitations but she, the deceitful mother of foul children, continued her scheming, watching for any breaks in the walls confining her boys, until her keen eyes studied on the open-aired yard, where inmates played basketball under wide-open skies.

She mailed Raphael a silver outfit of reflective scales and instructions diagramming how to wear the suit, for tightening the cowl, for securing the hood on his cranium, to fasten the suit tight to his neck, zipped to his mouth and, when absolutely dressed, he should squirm and wiggle high up in the air.

The former sister hid nearby and upon sighting her boy through binoculars in his outfit of glimmering scales, she unhooded a gigantic eagle, a remarkable she-falcon, an bird of preposterous dimensions acquired in Talkeetna, Alaska, and whose sharp eyes found the most gargantuan fish she had ever seen.

She flew over razor-wire, swooped inside the walls and, as the guards' maws opened, snatched up the man with her talons, nails capped with rubber tips (Raphael thanked his mother's astute planning) and conjointly they soared back to Talkeetna, where he made a fine living selling dried moose meat to tourists.

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